


Golden Sunflower

by Copyng_With_Reality



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Confusing, Depression, Forgot Hinata had a sis not a bro XD, Hehehe, Hinata apparently has a brother not a sister due to my amazing logic, Like depressing, M/M, Not exactly a stereotypical crush story, Okay okay maybe not "slightly" depressing, Sad, Slightly depressing, careful dark topics covered, knight in shining armor crap, mostly like savior stuff, no spoilers though, plain depressing, read the summary god dammit, they don't actually meet until like the end, uh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-06-09 04:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6889210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Copyng_With_Reality/pseuds/Copyng_With_Reality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenma was never one with people, as he spent most of his time focused into his gaming devices. Unluckily, loneliness began to overtake him when the people around him began to accept him for that. They didn't even try to see him for anything other than "shy", "antisocial", and "alone". After a while, even the friends he thought he'd once had were slowly leaving him behind.</p><p>-----------</p><p>Hinata was too rambunctious for his own good. His attitude earned him a spot with his friends as being "the idiot". He never really thought about things, and his best trait was his spirit. However, things start to get to him when his team starts treating him like he's a child. While, no, he'd never been one for tests or school in general, that didn't make him an idiot. It was like even his friends began to expect him to do something stupid at every moment. Like nothing he would ever do would be worthy of his pride.</p><p>-----------</p><p>As they both fall into separate downward spirals, they cannot regain their balance. Brought together by the charms of fate, will they, together, be able to escape the darkness looming just below them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Given Up On

The ball hit the ground again, but there was no whistle blast. There was no cheering. The sound of shoes squeaking across the gym floor, as the Nekoma team continued on practicing. No one said "Hey, nice hit, Kenma!" Well, not anymore. It's not like they knew it mattered to him, although it was all that mattered to him. It had reminded him that he, too, could be a part of something bigger than himself. Now, though, he was a meer piece. Nothing of meaning, just an essential element for winning. A pawn. He would keep on doing his job, and they would stop asking him. That was what they thought he wanted. Space. To be alone. Why couldn’t they see? If that had been what he’d wanted, he never would’ve stayed playing volleyball. 

He provided them with the momentum, they scored the points. He kept his cool, and they followed his lead. He was the heart of the team, right? Holding everyone together? It seemed like they could hold themselves together on their own. It was like he didn’t need to be there. Anytime he talked to someone, they all started up with “They got Kenma to say something!” Like it was that big of a surprise. Or maybe it really was. Did he ever talk? Why did it always seem like such a miracle whenever he had a conversation? They took it for granted that he was antisocial, to the point that it was “strange” if and when he ever broke that stereotype. Almost as if he wasn’t supposed to be anything but shy and antisocial like they saw him. 

Kenma saw the team begin to chat, indicating they were getting ready to go, but no one stopped to strike up a conversation with him. He would probably ignore them anyway. It was true, he probably would. Why? Because that was what they made him do. They all expected that. Anything else and they would look at him weirdly. They wouldn’t think of him as Kenma anymore. It would be like he was a whole different person. They didn’t give him a choice. They’d forced him into a corner. 

He took the ball he had been holding, and, calmly, tossed it into the bin. He then proceeded to walk over to his bags, take a drink of water, and pull out his PSP gaming console. He heaved his backpack over his shoulder, noting how silent it had become. Only one person still remained. All the others had left without a word. Of course they had. 

“Hey Kenma, we had better get going. They’ll be closing shop anytime soon.” Kuroo said, tilting his head toward the video-game-absorbed Kenma. He looked up for a second, nodded slightly, and then walked towards him. They two left behind the large gym, but that was all Kenma left. Even once the team was away from his sight, the pain reminded imbedded in his heart.

It had been getting dark, though it’d been hard to tell from inside the lit gym. The two of them walked in silence, with only the occasional grunt from Kenma as an enemy killed his player. 

Kuroo broke the silence, with an unwanted comment. “Is anything wrong Kenma? You’ve been acting more… solitary lately.” Then he laughed. “Not like that really possible, right man?” He laughed, as Kenma’s heart just sunk. Even his best friend didn’t notice. He didn’t respond to his comment, easily keeping the hurt off his face by burying his anger into the poor mage he was fighting ingame. It easily died, leaving Kenma’s character with coins and a big screen that said “You Won!” However, Kenma didn’t feel like a winner. He felt defeated. He felt alone. If only life were like a video game. The only worries were on the battle at hand. A one-track mindset of “Don’t Die”. Where you didn’t have to worry about anything except winning and protecting your own life. When you won a battle, you felt the satisfaction of winning. If only, because then maybe everything wouldn’t be so complicated.

When Kenma didn’t respond, and continued looking down at his game, Kuroo smiled. He must be having fun with his game, he thought, oblivious to how Kenma was really feeling. The two split when the roads to their homes went off in different directions. It was calm, like nothing had really changed at all. Kuroo went on about his business, and Kenma went on about his own. A pain began to build up in his heart, though. A pain that couldn’t be helped by a doctor, or anyone. A pain that he, and only he, had to deal with.

The pain of being given up on, by everyone he knew.

\--------------

The ball was coming at him. He had to receive it, and give it to Kageyama. How should he catch it… up, down, to the si-? Whack! The ball was received by none other than Hinata’s very face. He was knocked off his feet, and fell flat on the floor. “Hinasyo!” Came the voices of the Karasuno team members, all yelling his name at once, mushing them into one word that sounded a bit off.

“Owww…” Hinata groaned, his eyes closed. Sugawara-san yelled for someone to get the kid an ice pack. Tsukishima muttered something about him being an idiot. Daichi-san shook his head, sighing. Nishinoya looked over at him like he was some sort of magical being for standing up to the volleyball, which was not what happened at all.

Kageyama came over to Hinata, with no regard to fact that he’d just been hit in the face by a volleyball, just to yell at him. “You dumbass! You’ll break your face if you decide that it’s a useful way to block the ball. It’s not helping!”

Tsukishima added, though it wasn’t the least bit helpful, “When we told you to use your head, we didn’t mean this. Though I guess it’s the only useful way for you to use it. At least we know it won’t break through that thick skull of yours.” Tanaka-san couldn’t help but laugh at this, though he was silenced by the glare from Daichi.

Hinata sat up and opened his eyes, right as an ice pack was passed to Sugawara. “Hinata, just hold this on your head for a while. You might want to sit out for a bit, that looked like it hurt.” Just the idea of sitting out was unacceptable in Hinata’s mind. He jumped up, ignoring the throb in his head from the painful encounter with the evil volleyball, determined not to give up from a simple whack to the head.

“No way! I can still play! I’ll be fine!” Hinata yelled, although the big red mark covering his entire face said otherwise. The entire team let out a sigh, and Hinata received a whack on the back from Sugawara. 

“Seriously, Hinata, you should go rest. Just calm down. If you’d been calmer, this wouldn’t’ve happened, so take this time to calm down.” Sugawara said, escorting Hinata over to the benches. Reluctantly, Hinata sat. He was annoyed that he didn’t get to play, but this time something was different.

Sugawara went back up, leaving Hinata alone on the bench. They were practicing, 4-on-4 matches. At the moment, it was Nishinoya, Ennoshita, Sugawara, and Narita, versus Kageyama, Tanaka, Tsukishima, and Hinata’s replacement, Kinoshita. Daichi was watching from the sidelines, hoping to critique some of the non-regulars. Hinata, though, wasn’t so interesting in watching.

He always seemed to do something wrong, whether it was messing up an easy point, or receiving a ball with his face. It was just that everyone thought he was a fool, and didn’t know what he was doing. What they didn’t know was that he put his heart and soul into practice. Trying everyday to get better and better, but it never seemed to work. No matter how hard he tried, he just never seemed to get it right. 

Every attack of his was all based on Kageyama. He wouldn’t be able to hit a basic spike unless Kageyama was able to get it to him. He relied on his abilities to propel his innate ability. Hinata had no clue what most of that meant, but what he did know was that the people on his team thought that he wasn’t good enough. That he was a good for nothing idiot that just got in the way. That seemed to be all he was. They had other spikers and other decoys. The only reason he got to be on the court was because of Kageyama. He wanted to get stronger. To the point where he didn’t have to rely on Kageyama to provide him with on-point serves anymore. Where he could fight his own battles in midair. To play the role of an ace.

He wasn’t an idiot, dammit! He tried his hardest, but he never seemed to get it right. They all laughed at him, and told him that his failures were alright. Why? Because it was all he could do? Because they were accepting that he couldn’t get beyond the boundaries in front of him. They were all just saying that he shouldn’t worry about what he couldn’t fix. Hinata knew. Hinata knew he was no good. He had no technique. He had no experience. He spent most of his volleyball training with old ladies!

He understood. They didn’t expect Hinata to grow. They were sure that Hinata was never going to learn from his mistakes, let alone notice them. He noticed them, dammit! He tried his hardest every day and every night to try and fix them, but he just couldn’t!

He heard the squeak of shoes on the gym floor. Wham. Woosh. The ball scored another point, even though Hinata wasn’t there. They were doing fine on their own. The only reason Hinata was there was because Kageyama could use his technique to use Hinata’s idiocy to the team’s advantage. Nobody else would ever understand how much it hurt to realize that was his entire purpose on the team.

The team didn’t think Hinata could get any better, so instead of getting him to train harder, they made Kageyama make up for his mistakes. They thought Kageyama could better make up for his flaws than he himself could. It hurts. That feeling.

That feeling of being given up on.


	2. Anyone Else

Kenma sat on his bed, his textbooks thrown aside. He already knew all the material, and he wasn’t in the mood to work on anything. Instead, his mind was focused on his game. Keeping away from the creeping feeling in his heart and mind, by struggling against harder and harder opponents. His escape from the reality the people around him had created for him. The reality he couldn’t change.

Judgement. It was a ruling factor in society. Once people think they’ve figured someone out, that’s who they are. It doesn’t matter what’s inside, because all they see is what people show them. They expect that’s all they are. As if they know what goes on in another’s mind just by watching who they show the world. They don’t. They have no clue. Society gave them an image, and once it was set in place it was impossible to break without breaking one’s self.

Kenma was stuck, behind an image he no longer wanted. Behind an image that hurt him more than it helped. Now, even his only friend saw that image and nothing more. They couldn’t see past the image the world had given him. He was all alone. No one would ever see him for who he was, and there was no way he could ever show anyone. Once again, a side effect of judgement. Judgement forced him to where he was, and kept him there. It was prison, locked by the people he thought were his friends, but they were oblivious.

The screen changed, as his player was defeated. “You Died.” It said, playing the defeated theme. It was right. He died the moment he gave up. The moment he decided to accept the title “shy”. “Antisocial”. “Alone”. He died the moment he let them put that image onto him. He died the moment that became him.

He put the game aside, staring up at the top of his room. He wanted so much just to let his emotions fly, but he couldn’t. They just weren’t there. No sadness, no anger. Just emptiness. He couldn’t understand how he felt, if he felt at all. Society had taken everything from him. His chance at life. His self-image. His image in the world. His emotion. What would it take from him next? His friends? His family? It had taken his life. Anything it took from him, and anything it gave to him, wouldn’t matter anymore. Society took away even that.

Most of all, though, society took away his ability to change that. It stopped him from regaining his balance. It took away his opportunity to fix his broken life. If he could even call it life.

A blank space. It was like he was watching a television show. He wasn’t really there. A person watching a video of life, and being bored but not being able to stop watching. A blank sheet of paper.

No. That wasn’t it. He put a blank piece of paper over his face. Behind it, the scars from the things they don’t say are etched into his skin. Screaming on the inside, hidden from the world. He couldn’t do anything to stop it from hurting, not anymore. Reality stole that from him, too.

The more they said those things, the more he became it. Losing his feelings, becoming what they said. Emotionless. Antisocial. Alone. Soon, maybe, he’d stop having to feel the pain on his true skin. The skin behind the blank paper. Maybe, someday, the things they said would be real, and the feeling that they didn’t know him would go away. Was that what he wanted, though? Did he want to accept it just like they had? It would be so much easier just to be what they said. Stop hurting himself over the things he couldn't change.

Somehow, though, that felt like giving up again. He’d given up before, and it was the worst mistake he’d ever made. He didn’t want to feel what would happen if he ever gave up again. That sort of pain. He never wanted to feel it again. He couldn’t relive that. Though, the only other options was to stay where he was. Always alone. Hiding inside himself, because no one else knew. Guess what? That was exactly who they thought he was. So maybe they were right. Maybe they did know who he was. Maybe that was him.

No. Kenma felt the pain. He may have been that, but he sure as Hell didn’t want to be. He wanted people to realize that he wanted the praise. He wanted to feel like he was a part of something amazing. Something that he was an important part of. Just because he looked one way, didn’t make him that way. Why did they have to judge him, although they couldn’t see?

That was what society would take away from him. His image was who he was and he couldn’t change. That was what society gave him. People saw him for what his image showed, no matter who he really was. Once that image was set in stone, there was no way to change it. Because of that, society took away what Kenma wanted most.

The ability to be anyone else.  
\--------------------

Hinata lay on his bed, after volleyball practice. Downstairs, his mother cooked and his younger brother watched a TV show. Hinata’s textbooks were off to the side, like they always were. However, unlike usual, today Hinata wasn’t thinking about practice. His mind was purely focused on the sinking feeling.

His volleyball lay disregarded in the middle of the floor. He’d tossed it around a bit, before getting bored. Something seemed… Heavy. A weight he’d never really felt before. His muscles wouldn’t move. His mind wouldn’t focus properly. A steady panic began to grow as his willpower diminished. A war in his mind that he couldn’t win. Slowly being driven back into the darkness. It was taking over him. It would soon be all over. That would be it, all gone. The ending, so soon. His heart rate increased as panic engulfed his mind. It was all over, it was all over, it was all over.

“Shouyo!!!” A voice from downstairs brought him back to reality. “Dinner’s ready, come down and eat!!!” It yelled again.

A cold sweat rolled down Hinata’s neck, and he blinked a few times before managing to stand up. At first it felt like he would crumble to the ground, but he didn’t. He stood.

“Coming!!” Hinata yelled back, his panic settling down. He bounded down the stairs, and into the kitchen, where he was greeted by the familiar smell of rice balls. He took a seat at the table, and was thankful for his food. However, a little voice in his head stopped him from feeling happy. The little voice said, “Idiot! Dumbass! Idiot! Dumbass!” It continued, and no matter what he did Hinata couldn’t shut it out.

Trying to take his mind off it, with no avail, Hinata stuffed as many rice balls as would fit into his mouth. It became hard to chew, but it gave him something else to focus on for a little while. “Girrffmmffwaa!!” He said with his mouth full. His mother gave him a blank stare.

“Baka! Baka! Baka!” His little brother began to yell, making Hinata’s heart drop. Even his brother thought he was an idiot? He swallowed, which was a stupid move because it hurt his throat, before repeating himself.

“I need some water!” He said, looking around franticly. His mother laughed, and got up to get him a drink. She returned with a glass of water, and Hinata downed it. He looked over at his brother who was still laughing at him. His mother was smiling, but he could tell she was holding back laughter. He hoped the pain wouldn’t show on his face. Why? Maybe because he knew somewhere they were right.

The more they told him he was stupid, the more he started to believe it. The more they told him he was an idiot, the more he started thinking they were right. If it was that obvious to them, then it must be true, right? He was a worthless test flunker, and that was all he’d ever be. He couldn’t improve, no matter how hard he tried. He’s always put everything he had into his goals, but every time they always fell short. He could never get better. He was stuck where he was, and the people around him weren’t helping. They had no intention of helping him, instead they were going to “accommodate” for his idiocy. All he did was make a hassle for the team, and for his friends. Everything he did was a train wreck.

He was who they said he was. He couldn’t be anyone else.


	3. And Time Would Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh geez so sorry for not posting sooner!!!! Here is Chapter 3!!!

(11:30 AM) Why were the clocks in the classroom so loud? Kenma would rather wonder about that than look at Kuroo. His friend sat in the back of the classroom, only a few seats from Kenma, and was obviously trying to get his attention. It wasn’t strange for Kenma to ignore him, and Kuroo did it just for the fun of it knowing he probably wouldn’t a reaction.

He did it everyday. Nothing changed. Kenma hurt, no one noticed, and the world went on doing the same things that had always hurt him. But he can’t escape. Because society had put him into the circle of no escape. Ever continuing.

(11:31 AM) The clock kept going, no matter what happened to him. He could disappear for all it cared. The clock would keep going. 

Kenma turned away. Even distractions just managed to make him start thinking about his broken life again. How annoying. Yet through all of this, he still managed to hold a blank face. Holding a piece of paper up in front of his face to hide his scars. 

The teacher was talking about some ancient civilization that Kenma already knew about. Students were chatting, paying no attention the the lesson. 

(11:32 AM) It was funny just how empty the things they said were. No. They weren’t funny. It was actually pretty scary. People spent almost all of their lives laughing and talking about things with no meaning. Yeah, okay, laughing and talking is a pass time. But to Kenma it seemed like that was all they did. 

He found his eyes wandering back over to the clock, listening to its ‘Tick Tock’. He could see the time pass. He could hear the people talk. He could almost hear the wasted time.

How come no one noticed his pain? He was hurting. The scars from the things they don’t say, or don’t know. Even his closest friend, Kuroo, didn’t notice. They hurt him with the labels they shoved upon him. “Shy” “Antisocial” “Isolated”. They’ll never know how much those words hurt him.

(11:33 AM) They hurt him so much. A piece of his heart was slowly eaten away every time those words are said. Because that’s what they saw him as, but not what he was. He couldn’t seem to do anything about it. It wasn’t his choice anymore.

When Kenma had first joined Nekoma High School, he had been shy. He didn’t want to make a fool of himself, so he kept to himself mostly. His time was spent mostly by himself, or the only person he knew from before High School, Kuroo. Then, it had seemed as though life was okay. His friend helped him through any trouble that came his way. Now? Well, that was a different story.

Kuroo was oblivious. The one friend he thought would be able to notice his pain. No one noticed. It really hurt, that fact. The way that there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t change anymore. They forced him out of that opportunity. They hurt him even more.

(11:34 AM) Other students began to pack up, but the teacher kept talking. None of the students cared. The teacher didn’t seem to care either. Why would they? They were getting paid for a waste of their time. That was what people cared about.

They didn’t care about the people around them. Their lives didn’t mean anything to them. He was no exception. He too was just another person, who no one really noticed. He was just there. A part of life, but if he were to disappear people would continue.

Everything began to take over his heart. The things they didn’t say, and the things they did. But no matter what he felt, the blank face he kept on hid it from the rest of the world. In the end, he had done that to himself. But the people around him, that he called friends, forced him to stay that way. He knew they were trying to give him what he wanted. But they had no clue. Their care was killing him.

(11:35 AM) Finally, the teacher assigned homework, and Kenma automatically jotted it down. He put everything back into his backpack, and found himself staring at the clock once again.

Why were the clocks in the classroom so loud? He found himself wondering again, as the loud ‘tick tock’-ing of the clock seemed to get louder as he focused on it. The clock seemed to mock him. Telling him his pain meant nothing. No matter what hurt him, the people around him would still live normal everyday lives. 

(11:36 AM) And time would go on.

\-----

(2:25 PM) Hinata sat in class, trying to pay attention to the lesson the teacher was explaining. That day was an especially bad day for an important lesson, because his usually inattentive nature was worse because of the slow panic that’d been growing up in him all day.

Hinata saw Kageyama, with his eyebrows furrowed, focusing on the lesson and tapping his pencil on the table. Just like everyday. Kageyama was trying too hard just to keep himself alert that he probably couldn’t even hear the teacher. 

Actually, when he thought about it, he himself was doing the exact same thing. Paying more attention on trying to get himself to pay attention, that in the end he wasn’t actually paying attention. It was a funny thought.

(2:26 PM) Hinata’s eyes moved from Kageyama up to the clock. He saw its arms moving, marking the passage of time. He wanted to scowl at it. Something about it annoyed him. The way the clock just kept on going, like nothing was wrong in the world. Hinata didn't like it. Not at all.

The clock above the door seemed to explain to him that anything that hurt him didn’t matter. It would continue going, like it always did, and so would everything and everyone else. What he felt was nothing compared the the spectrum of the world. He was nothing, and the world would just go on because of that simple fact.

His breathing became shallower, and his heartbeat began to speed up. He started to panic. If he were to die, if he were to just disappear, the world would continue. There would be people who probably wouldn't even notice he was gone. Pretty much everything would go on like nothing had happened. 

(2:27 PM) Hinata let out a little squeal, and fell out his chair. The teacher went silent, and all eyes turned to him, sprawled across the ground. He heard a groan from Kageyama, and a mutter of “dumbass”. The class burst into laughter, and Hinata’s face went red. The teacher tried to calm everyone down, but the look on her face said she was trying hard not to laugh herself.

That was his life. He was the dumbass. He was the laughing stock. It seemed to be all he was good at. His grades were horrible. He honestly wouldn’t be able to play volleyball if it weren’t for Kageyama. He was a complete and utter failure.

Hinata scrambled to stand up, his face flushed from embarrassment, and quickly made his way back to his desk. A few people still snickered, but most people had gone back to pretending to pay attention. Soon, all the laughter died down, and for some odd reason, Hinata felt his heart die with it.

(2:28 PM) All he was good for was making fun of himself. He made people laugh, even if it was at his own expense. He didn’t even do it purposefully. It kinda just came naturally to him, he thought. Yet, when they laughed, he felt a mixture of sadness and happiness.

If making people laugh was all he was good for, then he felt slightly glad when he did it. But sadness and worthlessness over flooded his optimism. Then, when the laughter stopped, it was like his purpose had been outlived.

However, the world was full of comic relief. If he were to disappear, someone would just take his place as the Jester. The world would keep spinning, as if he never mattered anyway.

(2:29 PM) The teacher wrote the homework on the board, and Hinata reluctantly wrote it down. It wasn’t likely he’d do it anyway. Students were packing up their bags, chatting about their after school plans. Hinata found himself glancing over at the clock.

The way the clock just continued made him sick. The way it deliberately seemed to tick louder whenever Hinata looked at it. Like it was smirking. The clock was mocking him. Reminding him that he was insignificant. No more than a meer any on the planet. 

The way it continued to speak, in its unknown, foreign, language of ticks and tocks, almost like laughter. But far far from laughter. Cold and dark and smug, as it continued. Telling him his pain wouldn’t stop, and nothing would change.

(2:30 PM) And time would go on.


End file.
